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Anti-resolutions will be hard to break

by Anthonette Klinkerman

Here we are, ten years into the millennium. It doesn’t feel much different, really. Food is still in food-form, and no one is flying around Jetsons-style. And most likely, humanoids all over the planet are partaking in the traditional ritual of making New Year’s resolutions. Especially since food is not in pill form and said humans probably partook of that a little too eagerly since Halloween.

This year I propose the anti-resolution. Usually resolutions are about depravity, and we all know how well that works. Half of your resolutions are broken by mid-afternoon New Year’s Day if you foolishly swore off everything. It was 1988 when I attempted the ol’ “No More French Fries” resolution; I think I failed by 10:00 in the morning.

It’s a simple semantics lesson – change up the wording. For example, instead of making the number one resolution of dieting, just make it a resolution to move more, consume less. Oddly enough when you follow this simple formula, the pounds seem to sort of fall off. I should get a Nobel Prize for figuring this out!

I learned last year how healthy dark chocolate is for you, so I’m going to be buying a lot more dark chocolate this year. Who am I to oppose scientific fact that it contains more antioxidant properties than kale? Who would want to eat a handful of kale anyway? So healthy resolution number one is to eat more high-quality dark chocolate, move more, and avoid kale.

Off to good start already. Resolution number two would be to do less laundry. Well, I think this would have a direct effect on my social life, but it’s nice to dream.

While we’re at it, why not do less dish washing? How green of me! No laundry and no dishes would save a fortune on my water bill, not to mention keep harmful detergents out of the water supply. This is getting better and better. Al Gore would be so proud.

Number four, I’ll clean less and play more. Very environmentally friendly, not to mention good for my overall health. The play more part will obviously have to take place at other people’s homes, as I will no longer be able to locate my floor. If they invite me over, that is.

I’ll take up offensive driving for number five, although my husband may think I declared this anti-resolution years ago. Actually, the fact that I drive a minivan is offensive enough.

Five is a good solid number so I won’t even try to create a top ten list of anti-resolutions. That’s too much to remember. Five fingers, five toes, five little monkeys… five it is then. I am guaranteed success this year, especially since my husband is getting pretty good at getting out chocolate stains.



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